Riddle me this.

I can’t explain why I don’t …

1. Grow a full beard (on my face). Truthfully, I am just a few hormone levels away from being a bearded woman and opening a feminist bookstore. I suppose I am lucky, but I have seen women with beards and they are usually very proud. I suspect they are happier.

2. Drive an ice cream truck full-time. I realize this is seasonal work, but haven’t I always wanted this kind of freedom? What would I do during the off-season? Well, probably just eat ice cream (to keep my head in the game so-to-speak), brush up on the latest trends in frozen treats (you would be surprised), and of course plan my route (it’s competitive out there!).

3. Keep my hands regularly manicured. It’s mainly a time management issue.

4. Live in a city park. Our city has some wonderful parks. Actually, I see no good reason why I’m not currently taking advantage of this option. I’m not going to rule it out for the future, especially once the kids are gone, which could be any minute.

5. Act my age. I have no real excuse.

6. Give my children the love and attention they deserve. I do try, I really do – but if you have ever met my children you can see that they are severely neglected. For one thing, their teeth are literally rotting out of their heads, their hands are always dirty, their shoes don’t fit and let’s face it they could probably benefit from playing a competitive sport. I just can’t go there, I am only one person and I don’t like standing in the freezing cold on a Saturday morning.

7. Have very many friends. I think we all know the reason for this. I am annoying.

8. Ride my bike to work. It’s mainly because I’m not brave and my clothing isn’t practical. Plus, you can’t smoke a cigarette and ride a bike at the same time unless you are riding a unicycle, and that is for clowns.

9. Read more non-fiction. Who am I, Spock? Oh, that’s science-fiction. Never mind.

10. Rinse and re-use expensive zip-lock bags. I’m working on this. I do have guilt.